


After Nightfall

by FlusteredFlamingo



Category: Naruto
Genre: Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-11 22:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13533957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlusteredFlamingo/pseuds/FlusteredFlamingo
Summary: Ninx didn't break out of prison to end up harassed by a profane head and a cloud cult. (Story is guilty of having an OC but also includes the Akatsuki.) Rated M because of Hidan.





	1. 1: In which a profane head demands reassembly

Ninx pulled bring herself into the windowsill counting in the back of her mind. If she was quick there would be a full half hour to get as far off as she could. A weeks planing and that was the best she could do.   
The night air was warm and black when she wrapped her fingers round the drainpipe drawing in a deep breath before she swung. The leap brought her a few feet off the building, far enough to clear the sensors. The drainpipe sagged but had just held. She stood brushing off her pants and drawing the darkness around her pulling it in her skin flushing with the colors of the night sky and rich with grey. Catlike slits formed amid pools of black and amber.  
A minute, no two.   
—  
The sun brought steamy hot to the wood. Ninx sat at the roots of a tree her lips pursing. Of course she’d have to go back, she always had to do that or things got of hand but even the cosy cadges got unbearable after a while. The security and iron stuck to skin like parasites.   
It felt good to spread out without having to worry about hitting a soldier or iron. A giggle worked it’s way up her throat and bubbled up it’s ringing in her head almost blocking out the rumbling. Rumbling which rang through the ground like the growl of a lioness. Ninx was on her feet like a cat startled her eyes swiveling to the broken ground to the side where an oversized Venus flytrap was emerging from the ground bringing with it fragments of bloody mess. Must not have been a very hungry evil plant monster because most of the victim seemed to be there if admirably torn up.   
The flytrap opened revealing a face with the likeness of Janus with both eyes looking at her and blinking.   
There was a hiss from the pile of dismembered pieces followed by a profane burst, “Zetsu what the fuck are you waiting for heathen.” The profanity was spewed from the bloody mouth of the dismembered man. Ninx stared it transfixed. Plant two-face titled his flytrap head slightly, “Can we eat her?”  
“We can’t,” it told itself to her relief, she thought she’d have to kill the thing and she was to interested in it to kill it. Meanwhile the severed head was still spewing curses forth, “That bastard and his damn will of fire. By Jashin’s name I will slaughter him.”   
“Your ambitious for a talking head.” Ninx leaned on her knees the blood making her vision swirl. She reached out and gripped the head by it’s hair looking fascinated at the fowl mouthed creature.  
Again the ground rumbled this time the whole monster coming to the surface looking at her, “Can we eat them?”—again it’s answer was no—“Girl put that down. You don’t know where it’s been.”   
“Zetsu you bastard! Put me back together so I can slay this heathen bitch in the name of Jashin!” the head howled blood spurting out his mouth, how was he still bleeding? Where was all that blood coming from?   
“Quite Hidan.” “Where’s Kakuzu? Its been an eternity, did he go for that damn bounty first? Did he kill the little heathen who blew me up?”   
“Kakuzu is dead, killed by the nine tails. You are lucky I was able to bring you up from under all that rubble Hidan.”   
“THEN WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO PUT ME BACK TOGETHER!”   
Zetsu’s orange eye scrolled up and narrowed, “Do you have healing jitsu?”   
“Jashin doesn't allow healing you—“   
In the distance there was a loud bellow which rang through the trees, the magnified sound making birds launch to the sky, “Ninx! Ninx Chan you bastard where are you.” She flinched the head dropping back to the ground its seemingly inexhaustible blood sputtering on her stockings.   
“Of course if you want us to tell those shinobi where you are you can refuse.”   
Ninx paled, if they found her covered in blood they’d freak, worst they’d think she’d torn up loony capo. Her hand fisted black surfacing at her fingertips but she pushed it back, pushed the rage back meeting Zetsu’s eyes firmly, “Got a needled and thread?” 

By the time she was finished her hands were sticky and hot with blood and ears blind to Mr. Immortals swears, luckily the blindness had set in before the profanity could make her ears bleed. Even living under constant guard of professional soldiers she’d never heard such a steady flow of the profane. For safety she waited to do the head until last demanding that he stay still under threat of re-deception and a needle through the eye. For some reason the threat of pain gave her a brief and notably awe filled silence.  
She’d never felt so gritty, her hair was past her hips and sticking uncomfortably on her and though she wanted it back her hands were bloody and she didn’t want the plant guy near her neck with his occasional suggestions to himself about eating her. All the blood was making her dizzy like a drunken shark before a frenzy. Her trembling hands couldn’t break the threat so she dipped her head her teeth snapping it the metallic taste making her shiver. Franken-jerk pushed her off, it hurt which wasn’t good.   
Then he gripped her at the throat leaning over her menacingly blood dripping from the rivets that drenched him and his body a strange minefield of stitches. Though he shouldn’t be able to move he could.   
“Hidan, we don’t have time for one of your rituals.”  
The darkness was seeping into her skin again curling up her bloodied hands, spreading in her eyes like spilled ink turning her pupils to amber backed slits. There were no blades on her person as they weren’t allowed but she raked her nails across his cheek and brought a knee up sharply.   
“Bitch.”  
Her blood was throbbing though her veins, her muscles tensing up. Shadows widened to swallow her.

When she came back to it was being dragged rope wrapped around her wrists chafing, body feeling horridly raw. She looked dully up seeing the stitch riddled bloody back of Mr. Immortal her head sinking back uncertainly.  
“Couldn’t have at least carried me?”   
“Don’t complain I could’ve let Zetsu eat you.” He stopped releasing the rope so it slid down and she knocked her head hard on the ground.  
“Bastard.”  
Then he was tugging back her hair in vengeance pulling it to the side in a bloody fist his rage palatable, “That symbol.”  
“Symbol?” it hit her that he was talking about the tattoo on her neck, the one she could hardly remember getting, “What about it?”   
“Heretic you wear the mighty symbol of Jashin and don’t flaunt it?”   
“Jashin…” she grimaced the name hitting her like a blade her face flushing. That name had always been on her parents lips, her parents been the ones who’d turned her into a demon.   
“So you do recognize it, his eyes had this far away bloodshot look like he’d drank a bit to much, his voice was overloud and kind. Saying no to crazy probably murderers who’d previously been torn limb from limb was never a good idea.  
“Uh yeah…”


	2. In which Ninx wishes she hadn't broke out of prison

Zetsu surfaced in the headquarters in a notable bruised state. He stepped from the soil his fly trap head dented in, his orange eye swollen shut from a well placed and lucky blow, his cloak torn in a way that would make Kakuzu turn over in his grave. The finances of the Akatsuki would certainly be a mess now that the money grubbing zombie was gone and the need for Zetsu’s special brand of corpse disposal would no longer be needed quite as much. Of course there was still Hidan but the immortal was touchy about the subjects of his rituals being taken away when they were fresh and their blood still available for Jashin.   
“Funny,” Pein was saying oblivious to Zetsu creeping up behind him as he spoke with Konan, “I never considered that we’d have to find Hidan a partner, when we chose him the most important thing was that he could survive Kakuzu.”   
Konan was looking through a stack of files filled with criminal records looking for anyone who could survive Hidan, this proved to be as hard as finding people to survive Kakuzu as he was at least as volatile as the group scrooge if not more so.   
“Can we eat him?”   
Pein filched hard Zetsu was stealthy for an oversized, two faced plant. On first glance one would never think stealth was in the books for the guy.  
“The piercing would stick in your teeth, what happened to you?”  
“Hidan provoked a demoness.”  
“A demoness huh?” Konan put down her file, “Well the organization could use a better female to male ratio for PR.”  
“We have Deidara.”   
“Technically I put him down as a transgender in the diversity category.”  
“Trans from what gender exactly?” Before this mind boggling question could be answered and the nitpick points of sexuality explored the door burst open with a stream of profanity so foul it made some of the flowers blooming on Zetsu wilt.  
“Great,” Ninx strode in furiously behind him, “Great you’ve had your fun, you’ve sworn now let me go.”   
“Hidan why have you lead a girl to our Base? Is it for a sacrifice?”   
“Like hell it is,” the girl hissed drawing her fingers splaying out writs turning dark and misty, she jerked them out of the ropes and lunged for Hidan’s throat. 

Pein looked to Zetsu, “This is the demoness?”  
Zetsu had closed himself inside his flytrap and thorns were surfacing on his skin and his feet sinking into the ground. A muffled shout came from inside the flytrap, “Don’t let her go off.”  
Go off? Blood spurted from Hidan’s half severed neck which had come loose on it’s stitches. He gripped at it, “Bitch.”   
She was on the ground blood staining her hands and clothes, eyes blinking into slits. Zetsu disappeared deep under the surface and refused to come up. Hidan blinked, “Oh hell…” 

When Ninx woke up it was sore, bruised, bloody, and laid out on a stiff bed her head spinning. She moaned to herself trying to curl up feeling throbbing where she’d gotten cut across the chest with Mr. Immortal’s scythe even though the skin was mostly healed up.   
“Why look who’s up,” Hidan leaned on the doorframe though how exactly he’d known she’d woke (or perhaps how long he’d been leaning on the doorframe watching her in anticipation) she wasn’t sure. Since she’d blacked out he’d cleaned up, washed off the blood, put on fresh clothes but apparently not a shirt.  
As he only responded properly to the fowl she told him where he could shove his damn scythe, unfortunately the violence offered by this proposal obviously appealed to him. He strode in seemingly eager for the experience though now that she got a better look she saw that his scythe wasn’t there.   
“Your such a bitch.” He dug his hand under his cloak and sent something flying at her in a blur. Really she oughtn’t have caught it but she did regardless the silky fabric nearly slipping through her fingers.  
“What is this?” her cosy prison cell was sounding good at this point. She wondered how Ren was doing with her search.   
Hidan snorted, “What do you think, look at the damn symbols.”  
“The clouds…?”  
“Which are.”  
“A poor fashion choice.”   
“You ignorant heathen. We’re the fucking Akatsuki.”   
“The who?”   
“What hell hole have you been cowering in??”  
Her lips pursed, “A prison.”  
—  
When she finally stumbled out of the room and down the hall the next morning there was a deep soreness in all her joints like a lingering fantom. She was having a horrid time with that when she reached the kitchen viva the directions Hidan had given her last night as he’d explained several things, namely the akatsuki which was apparently an group of apocalypse harbingers that were unaware of the religious services they carried out in brutally murdering people. She supposed that was at least feasible enough.  
The people in the kitchen she assumed were the Akatsuki, she wished they weren’t all looking at her.  
“What?”  
A blonde of uncertain gender was looking at her especially weird. She had left the cloak on the bed and was in her typical gear a slip top over a fishnet shirt, black pants, just right for that punk criminal look.   
Then laughter came from a swirly masked lollipop, “Sempai you match.” Of course now that it had been pointed out it was impossible to ignore. Indeed they did match quite disturbingly. Their outfits would’ve been identical save for the blonde’s being blue.   
“Is there tea?” Ninx managed trying to ignore the glaringly obvious. Blondie hurried to escape getting some matches to light the stove: “I heard you and Hidan got not a nasty brawl, yeah?”  
“I don’t really remembering it, I can never remember the violence, I stop being myself.” She sighed, “I guess I’m bipolar, one minute I’m nice the next…not so much.”  
“Murder any villages? Un?  
“No.” “Then you really are nice compared to us at least, un”  
Assuring, Ninx was hardly paying attention still focused on tea which they had to have even if they were an evil organization. She needed tea. She found it behind stale bread and shoved a handful into the pot doing her best to ignore the giggling lollipop and glare of the guy(?). There was a prickling at the back of her neck and she looked back to see the Deidara eyeing her, “What?”  
“We don’t relay have girls here, yeah.”  
“Got alcohol?”   
“Top shelf, un”   
She poured the tea than poured a measure of saki into that, “Look I’ve got to get back to prison, I don’t remember agreeing to actually join your freaky cloud cult.”   
“The Akatsuki”   
“Don’t care what it’s called.”   
“There’s vodka behind the cheese, un.”  
She grinned, “Praise Jashin.”  
“You really part of his cult, un?” “Nah, not intentionally anyway, my parents were all for the violence and such, they were locked up in a mental institution after the clan found out what they did to me and my sister…”   
“Sister huh?”  
“They slaughtered her and bathed me in her blood.”   
“Well that’s fucked, yeah.” “They were of a fucked up sort, kept trying to destroy the other patients got put out on the rope, at least they died happily I suppose covered in warden’s blood.” “Died, un?”  
“I wish franked-jerk would die…”   
“We all do, he’s only here because his former partner would kill anyone he was paired with, needed durability. He has no appreciation for art, yeah”   
Lollipop jumped up gleefully, “Sempai makes pretty art! Like birds!”   
“You could be my partner, then Hidan could finish off Tobi, un” “Tobi is a good boy. Sempai is kidding.”   
Sempai had an angry glow in his eyes that didn’t say kidding. Ninx gave up on the tea and dumped vodka in the empty cup to mix with the dregs.  
“Hey hard core you want any food, un?”   
“Not from this shit hole.”   
“I assume this prison your talking about has better food, un?”   
“You ever been in prison? No.” She put down the mug for a refill but the bottle was in the hands of the blonde, she scowled.  
“Your case is failing, give it back.”   
“You immortal, un?”   
“Heal fast…if it’s bloody that is. scraps and bruises not so much.”   
“Has he tried to bite you?”  
“Does he typically?”   
“Just watch out he likes things bloody, yeah?”   
The thought of blood made her shutter “…I can’t do blood.” Then she noticed the way he was looking at her, her vodka stained lips really, “You never seen an Alcoholic?”  
“No seen those, but you look nice—you know for someone who drank a tea pot full of vodka, yeah?”   
“Ninx not nice there’s difference, “She crossed her arms leaning against the counter with a sigh the starts of a buzz setting in but not quick enough.  
“You a virgin, un?”  
She snorted, “Does that matter?”   
“Just figured you know Hidan probably has a weird sacrifice for those..if you didn’t want to be—“  
“Smooth,” she wasn’t drunk enough to talk to the cloud cult, “Give me the liquor, then I’ll consider.”   
“Kohan enforces a strict no rape policy between members..of course rough stuff is allowed. but—”  
“I can’t do rough I have problems controlling myself—especially around blood—it’s like I’m a—“ A blue man walked into the kitchen, he had gills. For a second Ninx thought he’d perhaps been summoned then she realized he was wearing one of those stupid cloaks, “ERR…”  
“Kisame.” Shark man said before walking over the the cabinets. When he saw there was no tea he paled. Ninx put down the teapot and walked past Deidara snatching the bottle from his hands before her departure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like, comment, sail/sink ships, complain about the OC, honestly go on.


	3. 3: In which the Alcoholism is real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short and Sweet

This place was weird, it was obviously built in a cave and was thus muster than sweaty prison. It was full to, there were guys everywhere. Maybe the cloud boys weren’t a cult after all but a boyband…correction man-band. That’s when another member popped into the hall a red eyes man with luscious looking black hair. He apparently didn’t see her because when she’d stopped to drunkenly stare he’d walked right into her. She remained standing but he fell on his ass and started to feel around with his hands. His hands eventually found her sandals and squeezed uncertainly at them, Kohan…no smaller feet.”  
She grimaced, “Er no I’m leaving if you wouldn’t mind uh letting go of my toes.”  
“No polish…Your the new one, Hidan’s.”  
“Hey blind boy I don’t belong to anyone.” Because she wasn’t a total jerk she then proceeded to help him up. To do so she made the mistake of putting down the bottle. Hidan was back suddenly like a loose cannon plot device and he took it up like nothing. She scowled at him as Itachi restored to his feet made his way to the kitchen with his hand out on the wall. Hidan offered her the now drained bottle.  
“Ass. I’m going back to prison,” she waved the bottle at him then hit by inspiration broke it over his head, “Fucking cloud fucking cult.”  
“You drunk bitch.”   
She was fixated on the blood dripping down his face, pooling around his chin, spattering on the cloak. This made her unsteady. To focused it seemed to make good on her promise and storm out so she could find Ren.   
“Franken-jerk.”   
“Dipshit, douche, fucking cunt.”   
They continued to shout obscurities at each other until shark man blind boy came out. Blind boy gripped hinder buy the collar and dragged him one way. Kisame grabbed her by the arm and dragged her the other.  
It felt like being tugged along across a tail wave of nausea. When they came to a stop she reached all over Kisame’s blue toes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sink/sail ships, ignore me, comment, like/hate, it's all up to you.


	4. 4: Because the fourth wall is broken

Like she’d told Deidara she healed quick. Her body had simply decided the fasted way to heal a drunk was to expel the alcohol. Ninx didn’t appreciate her bodies decision to do that as she hadn’t even gotten the chance to get a miserable headache.   
Shark dude was likely disgusted by her, she for was was disgusted by herself. But he gave her a push towards the bathroom and even held back her hair while she vomited(though he’d of course cleaned up first). When she finally had it out of her system her face went red as the clouds on the cult’s cloaks.   
“I found Kakuzu’s stash of coffee.”   
“Huh?”   
“So your good about drinking all the tea.”   
“Oh…”  
She starred at him trying to figure the guy out, he seemed pretty cool and collected for a shark. She frowned, “Your not trying to get me in bed are you?”   
“You just puked all over me.”  
“Good point,” she went to the sink and splashed water in her face until it didn’t feel so acid bit. When she finished she asked why Kisame was still there. He sighed, “As the most cohesive group of partners me and Itachi are tasked with trying to work with the more volatile ones…of course after Kakuzu killed his second partner we gave up with him but you get the general idea.” “Sure but who decided you were the most cohesive.” “Kohan so she wouldn’t have to deal with anyone.”  
“Ah…” she told him that she didn’t want to be Hidan’s partner or part of the organization and he shrugged (there would be no fanfic if she wasn’t part of it and he had plenty of fanfics to star in).   
Unrealistically this shrug and this calm shark was suddenly very admired by Ninx who was always in risk of getting out of control. She asked if she could be his partner but of course that would make fangirls go angry so that request was denied. Ninx then stopped breaking the fourth wall though she did briefly wave to the audience.  
“So Deidara said Hidan bites people, does he come with a muzzle?”  
“Unfortunately Kakuzu was to cheap to get one for him. If he gets annoying we typically just decapitate him and stick his head in the freezer with Zetsu’s leftovers. Unfortunately Zetsu thinks Hidan tastes bad so that never does the job but we can still hope.” This was a very useful set of information which Ninx commuted to heart. Itachi must have made use of it because when she got back to the room she’d woken it was to find a headless body laid out in plastic sheets on the bed opposite to the one that was supposedly now hers. Why a criminal organization had it’s members rooming like college students she wasn’t sure but she could only assume it was due to the fandom.   
She took a seat in the bed and stared at the cloak beside her considering the implications of claiming it. To put it on would be to abandon any sense of right she’d maintained but it would also give her freedom. The people who’d imprisoned her had always taken her pulse with a salt shaker in hand considering her faults. Though she wasn’t a fan off her dark side she also didn’t care for prison in the long term. At least she wouldn’t die in prison. Abandoning morals were hard when you weren’t completely consumed in darkness and you actually hated there person who would become her companion by default.  
She was making karate moves ion the mirror and testing out the cloak when that blue haired women from the previous day appeared over her shoulder. Ninx froze and reddened, “I..I was er.” “I thought we should talk,” Kohan said softly, “We haven’t had another women in the organization before.” 

Apparently Kohan had her own stash of tea. When they sat in her sitting room—because seriously she had one all covered in warm rugs and cushions and such—there was a pot ready for them along with serval little cakes. It was like something out of Ren would put together if the guard was feeling considerate which did happen every once and awhile when it had been some time since the last dark strike, “Are we going to talk about boys?”   
“Not if we can help it.”   
It soon became clear that Kohan really wanted to talk about herself but Ninx not wanting to get on her bad side considerably nodded and interspersed “uh huh” and “yeah” when she felt it necessary. She didn’t have to fake interest when Kohan told her the main source of the Akatsuki’s funding came from fangirls and guys who loved a good bad boy which accounted for the high male to female ratio.   
“So are you going to loose out with Hidan’s previous partner gone?”   
“Kakuzu was an eyesore, there might be protests of course because of the shipping of him and Hidan but ultimately our monthly calendars will be improved by his absence and your makeover.” This is where Kohan lost Ninx.  
“Makeover?”   
“You look like you borrowed Deidara’s clothes which reduces the sex appeal that the akatsuki runs on. Of course you have dark hair which provides important contrast to Hidan’s paleness and your completion is coppery enough.”  
“Er…so your going to change how I look?” “It isn’t personal, you just need to represent the organization.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suggestions, likes, comments, ships to sail or sink?


	5. In which the author questions their life decisions leading up to this train wreck also BSDM

Don't own any of the Naruto or Akatsuki characters.  
Ninx did not appreciate the makeover, it made her regret putting the cloak on even if the thing was amazingly silky. She sulk went back to the her room following it and fell into the bed with a sigh burying her head under the pillow.  
“The fuck?”  
She brought her head up slowly. Hidan stood by the open bathroom door completely nude and covered with blood head to toe. Well that image wasn’t going away, she scowled.  
“Cover up.”  
He scowled back, “I was doing a ritual for Jashin Heathen I don’t see you doing that.”  
“I don’t like to cover myself in blood.”  
“Your tattoo—“ She was to annoyed to give him ground, “LEAVE ME BE OR I’LL TEAR YOU APPART AND FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET PIECE BY PIECE.”  
He grudgingly dispersed back into the bathroom because threats were the only thing which worked. It soon started to smell less like metal and more like roses, ironic really. When he emerged once again in was in a cloud of steam. He went over to his bed in nothing but a towel the moisture still sticking to his skin and making all his muscles glisten like they were oiled. She sighed and hurried her head back under the pillow. He smacked her, more specifically her ass hard. When she hissed at him he laughed, “Don’t fake it I know you like it.  
“That’s harassment.”  
“That’s nothing compared to what I did to my last partner.”   
Ninx glared up at him though only halfheartedly. She’d wondered of course if Hidan was gay with all his grooming and overcompensating in the harassment department as if he were overcompensating. Was he so pissy to hide that he actually missed his partner? “Were you two a thing?”   
Hidan’s jaw dropped, “The fuck? I’m not a faggot you sick—“   
“It’s okay if you are,” Ninx said earnestly, “It’s natural, and not against Jashin’s word, (she knew that because of her parents it wasn’t like she researched the creepy cult that had scarred her…okay so maybe she had).   
He struggled for a second to find the proper words, “…damn…pansy…cunt.” Finding the right ones he disappeared again into the rose scented bathroom. She rubbed her stinking backside and mentally cussed the jerk out, she’d just been trying to talk be like a partner. 

Deidara apparently having seen her alcoholism had moved the alcohol which sucked—or she’d drank it all which was worst. She was looking through the fridge furiously when she got whistled at for the umpteenth time that day.  
“Nice bruising—if you toking for milk we don’t have any.”  
“I need alcohol.”   
“I’ll get you something if you don’t vomit on me.”   
She closed the fridge, it was Kisame, “I won’t commit on you, and I don’t know what you mean by bruising. Just a few minutes prior she’d been in a fight with Hidan. She had managed not to black out and literally tear him limb from limb but…well things weren’t looking to good for them as a team. Anyway she wasn’t about to help him face his sexual insecurity through BSDM no matter how good he looked nude and how interesting the leather things had looked. Also she wasn’t submissive.  
Ninx had decided that Kisame was the Akatsuki member she could actually be friends with, he seemed cool and collected for a shark. Also he wasn’t trying to sleep with her to affirm his masculinity. Deidara had tried once again to entice her showing off his weird hand mouths. Though that was both interesting and disturbing she’d declined his offer. Kisame dug out a box of fish fingers from the freezer—not Zetsu’s the plant man had one all to himself. It had a bottle of vodka inside (it was strange that there was so much vodka it was almost as if the writer knew nothing about alcohol).   
They drank shots of it and talked which was great. They collectively complained about Hidan some, laughed over their first meeting. Then they started playing cards because…well the author wanted to finished the chapter damnit and stuff had to happen so said writer started to awkwardly break the fourth wall. As it turned out not drinking a bottle and an entire teapot full of strong liquor helped in the not getting violently I'll department. For the first time Ninx thought maybe this could work, being part of a criminal organization that ran off of sex appeal could work.  
Then Tobi burst in yelling something about Sempai and waving his arms which were on fire at the sleeves…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that short chapter, but eh not really. Like, comment, sail or sink ships...No seriously comment I'm insecure, say something....*crickets chirp* Also not sure what's up with the formatting it bugs me.


	6. Board Games and Earthquakes

So the chapters have gotten progressively shorter, that’s a problem…oh well though. Where was I?

Tobi burst in on literal fire his sleeves trailing it like phoenix wings, “Sempai blew up!”   
“Um…” Ninx blinked, “Okay.”  
There was water pouring in an unsightly mess from the guy’s lollipop mask.   
Kisame didn’t look to concerned, “He’s always doing that Tobi.”  
Tobi was doing a jig, his robe was now on fire to the shoulders. Ninx nearly dumped her cup on the guy but then she got some sense and decided to get some water and got up to find a bucket.   
“Did he lose an arm?”   
Tobi was shaking his head frantically, “No Sempai…he…” By the time Ninx found a bucket Kisame had put the guy out and the clock had dissolved in an ashen heap around Tobi.  
“Slow down Tobi what happened.”   
Tobi after several tried managed to tell them about Deidara’s suicide. Ninx was fairly certain that didn’t make sense chronologically but she was sure she’d seen it happen at some point. She was also quite certain that this fic she inhabited was slowing losing it’s seriousness and turning into a crack fic but she wasn’t sure what to do about that. It seemed that anything that remained on the Author’s suspiciously named ‘Stuff’ folder for more than a fortnight turned into a joke.  
Ninx in some strangely soft part in her found she actually kind of felt bad for the cheery lollipop. She wanted to say something but really she still didn’t know anyone much. Before she could think of something properly reflective to say The water tap behind Tobi’s mask lost it’s pressure and stopped working. The guy went murderously silent…then he slowly flicked a drip from his mask and walked out slamming the kitchen door behind him. Kisame had gone so pale he almost wasn’t blue.  
“Er…what just happened?”   
“I’m no sure I want to find out,” Kisame said grimly.  
Tobi didn’t appear again for the rest of the day and when Ninx risked going to check out the room the guy shared with Deidara she found it completely empty. It was tempting with both of them gone to steal a bead and avoid Hidan and his continuous struggle to prove he wasn’t a bundle of wood and validate his masculinity. Unfortunately the room was just to creepy, there was a bunch of weird puppets even though she’d never seen either of the guys use them. It just felt wrong. 

Just before she could check the couch cushions for sign of spontaneous pillow forts or other signs of Tobi the quake sent her face to meet the coffee table more intimately. As the Akatsuki were wanted in many lands and located within a cave deep underground this caused some worry. By the time the quake stopped and she pried her face away from the coffee table the other members were surfacing from wherever they were when the author didn’t need them (because in fanfics Akatsuki were more focused on domestic life and than fulfilling their purpose).   
“You okay?” Kisame asked still being the calm and collected one of the bunch, “did it knock the Mary Sue Out?”   
“I’m not a Marry Sue I’m just a plot device,” Ninx managed as she swatted away the stars that danced in front of her eyes. Itachi was again behind Kisame, as Akatsuki members came in pairs like pea pods. Hidan burst in amid a strange porcupine transformation with his scythe several rods and a toothbrush impaling him and a string of profanities trailing close behind. Even his own ears were bleeding form the poignancy of his vulgarities.   
There was another rumble yet this one thankfully was not as strong as the previous and was in fact just Zetsu surfacing curiously. There were bits of cloth stuck on his flytrap head that were red in spots and of questionable origin. Next to the scene were Pein and Kohan looking equally disheveled from a game of twister no doubt.  
“What was that? Don’t tell me Deidara blew up the pipes again washing off clay.”  
Kohan jabbed Pein’s shoulder, “He’d dead.”  
“I knew that as I am all knowing and almighty.”   
“Heathen!” Hidan muttered drawing a glare from the leader who didn’t like having his godhood questioned even by someone like Hidan who had lost to much blood over the years to really be held responsible for the delusions of his oxygen deprived head. Hidan’s recent time underground had only made things worst. No one pointed out to the immortal that he now often forgot what he was doing at after walking into rooms or mid ceremony and forgot to wear any pants at all under his cloak.   
“What is it if not Deidara?”  
“I don’t know but I hope it’s doesn’t have anything to do with our missing lollipop,” Ninx muttered determined to get a few lines in here and there despite the authors increasing disinterest in her character and side plots to violent kill her off.  
For a second the leader looked genuinely concerned then he managed to brush that look away. He suggested that they settle down int he room until they were sure there would be no aftershocks. He then left with Kohan because he didn’t have to listen to his own advice and had twister to get back to.   
The remains four Akatsuki considered each other. A silent understanding passed between them. Kisame went over to the coffee table Ninx had greeted and drew out a intricately carved wooden box and started to draw components from it. Itachi puled a picture off the walls and pulled out a bottle of vodka and Hidan disappeared to remove his spikes. It took Ninx a while to realize that the contexts of the box were the components of a game. The strange ritualistic way it had been drawn out suggested virgin sacrifices but there were no blades drawn. From what she could tell it was just a normal game but in an abnormal place.  
“Err what exactly—“ “It’s a organization tradition, Pein stopped playing because he’s bad at it.” “Poker?”   
“No Kakuzu wouldn’t give us our pay directly we’d have to bet coupons,” Kisame pulled out a deck of cards that was inexplicably patterned with their read cloud, “No we play go fish with actual fish.” He pulled out several bags of gold fish from the box and gave each of them one each of a different variety. Ninx was pretty sure that one could play poker with gold fish but she wasn’t sure if she really wanted to break it to them.   
“How exactly do the goldfish play in?” Itachi was had drawn out four glasses to begin filling each halfway with the alcohol, “Easy, every time you go fish you get a fish in your cup and the losers have to drink at the end.” “Can I drink now?”  
Itachi scoffed, “That is not in the rules.”  
“I think I need a shot to handle this.”   
Kisame frowned, “I thought the alcoholism was a one chapter thing.”   
While he’d been speaking she’d drained her glass. Itachi grudgingly refilled it. Hidan returned de-spiked and looking his normal deranged self except without the cloak. The other Akatsuki gasped.  
“Got a problem pansies?”   
“Your cloak.”  
“It’s torn up and Kakuzu sold the extras to the rabid fangirls fucking miser.”  
“Your only supposed tor remove the clock in the event of certain death.” Itachi had drawn out a book from his cloak and was jabbing at a passage. Then he remembered that Hidan was illiterate and sighed, “It’s in the handbook.”  
“Cloaks are for traveling anyway why do we wear them inside the base? We know we’re the akatsuki. We’re wanted s-class criminals for Jashin's sake.”  
They all starred at the albino uncertainly. It was rather uncharacteristic for him to make an acute observation and without swearing. He must really be missing Kakuzu that had almost sounded pragmatic. Still, they hadn’t the immortals longevity so it could be riskier for them to remove their cloaks. Ninx for her part took off the think and laid it over the couch behind her naive due to her recent integration into the organization. Fast healing or not she probably wouldn’t last long.  
With the game underway a few things became very clear, the first was that Ninx was very purposely trying to fill her cup and loose, the second was Itachi’s silent skill. The guy never had to seek out cards and seemed to always put down. Meanwhile Kisame was seemingly intent on the few fish that swam in his cup and Hidan was had his bloodshot eyes fixed unmoving on his cards. Occasionally the immortal would let out an unsettling laugh in an attempt to throw them off their game or squeeze his rosary. He did this before he asked anyone for a card in silent prayer to Jashin.   
“Heathen bastard of hearts.”   
“Uh…” Ninx frowned, she was just holding out until Itachi’s next turn as he only had two cards left. She had cards that were hearts but… “Do you mean king of hearts.”   
“He does, “Kisame sighed, “bastard is King, whore is Queen, annoying fuck is Joker, and—“  
“And Asshole is Ace I think I’ve got it,” She slid the card to Hidan who grinned madly as he added another pair to the table.   
“Kisame.”  
“Right,” he looked away from the fish and to his deck, “Joker of spades.” This was the third time he’d gone with that at this point he was obviously just collecting fish. They all looked to Itachi who lowered his final two cards to the table triumphantly, “Take that Sasuke!”   
“Huh?” “Just go with it,” Kisame said taking his cup like a ferocious shark and devouring all his fish in a gulp beating even Ninx to the chase.  
Hidan slammed his cards down furiously, “Oh hold the fuck—prove it by Jashin!”   
Itachi scowled at him and started to turn over the pairs one by one scowling still triumphantly at the immortal. At the first pair Ninx hurriedly downed her drink before someone could stop her almost choking on the goldfish. It was true that some of the cards repeated but the pairs were subjective to put it lightly. Hidan Tipped the table quite literally, “I FUCKING KNEW IT YOU BLIND BITCH!”   
Kisame face planted while Ninx tried to salvage what was a left in the broken shell of the bottle. Itachi still did not understand and was crossing his arms ad glaring in Hidan’s general direction. The cards had started a wet game of pick up fifty and Kisame had started his own game of shark. The table had somehow avoided hitting any of them regardless of it’s dramatic backflip Amid the chaos another earthquake hit as they do reintroducing Ninx and the coffee table though everyone else kept their balance out of sheer stubborn epic-ness if she was any judge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the story has somewhat stabilized in a strange place between crack pic and serious piece. How do you guys feel about that?

**Author's Note:**

> Like comment. Any suggestions welcome. Sail some ships or shoot them down. Don't know what I'm doing or if this story should be euthanized so feel free to offer your verdict.


End file.
